What do you do when you need to manage a situation with either a ‘tantrumy toddler’, an irate customer or an uncooperative teenager? When we need to take charge in the relationship, the usual way we respond is to deliberately act calmly and talk sensibly to counter a 'bad' attitude in the other person. The Keep Calm and Carry On approach. Unfortunately, we don't always get the results we want and end up taking offensive action, by harsh reprimand or punishment, or defensive action by yielding to their demands. Not only does this feel unsatisfactory but does to seems to change persistent irregulated emotions or behaviour in others, and allows negative behaviour to dominate the outcome.

The famous (or infamous) maverick psychiatrist R D Laing understood this type of problem and in the 1970s devised a unique solution to it, in a bid to avoid the extreme solution ECT treatment for his patients. In a famous case, when consulting with a woman suffering from frequent bouts of catatonia - whereby she would be unable to move or speak, he just mirrored her troublesome behaviour. So in his consultation with her, he sat there with her for the entire session being motionless and still.  As a result of the session, the patient made a decision, to see her problem as a blessing not a curse. In doing so, she signed up to become an artist's model where being still was an asset! Soon after, she started to gradually get better until eventually she was deemed cured of her affliction.

The practice of Neural Linguistic Programming formalises a number of protocols that enables anyone to truly change others in ways that are not immediately obvious…. And yet we unconsciously do this when we are relaxed, when our instincts can take over.

The protocol for the purposes of this article that is extremely useful is one called Pace, Pace, Lead. As an example of how it’s employed, psychiatric nurses dealing with psychotic patients in potentially dangerous situations, will approach the patient whilst mimicking their physical behaviour. This would mean waving their hands around in a frantic manner and moving irratically. Once the patient 'feels understood', because the nurse is resonating with them, they can slowly tone down the  behaviour which will encourage the patient to calm down. So when someone is not in their rational right mind, they feel frightened and misunderstood, yet this harmonisation with they physical behaviour will enable them to calm down and come to their senses, so much so they can become entrained by the person in charge to adopt better behaviour.

Here are some ideas on how you can achieve the same results in your everyday dilemmas with others, when you need a particular outcome. Do one or more of the following without obviously mimicking them:

• match some of their physical movements
• match the pitch of their voice
• agree with their initial point of you eg ‘yes I totally understand that you feel frustrated, I would as well…’
• match their posture
• match their mood or attitude
• match their facial expressions

Then, when you notice them calming down, lessen your matching behaviours and start transitioning into the behaviour that you want from them. For example you want them to relax, move from a tense attitude to a relaxed attitude. This way you’re guiding their nervous system to find the right way to change. What we don’t fully recognise is that the bad behaviour comes from a very stuck place within the person, where they do not truly want to be there themselves, but know no other way. You, by taking charge in this was are helping them to find that way.

Through this, we see that disease is only a lack of harmony, so our primary focus in curing disease is to restore the underlying harmony.